When our friends from New York came to China for a visit, we took them to a local Chinese restaurant in our neighborhood for an authentic Chinese dining experience. The food was delicious, the staff was warm and friendly, and the crowd was just boisterous enough to make the restaurant a "happening place" without being too loud. We were having a great dining experience until we heard a loud argument erupting from the next table. Two couples of well dressed Chinese men and women were literally fighting over a little black leather notebook. They were talking excitedly, gesticulating, and grabbing the notebook from each other's hands. After listening for a few seconds, I realized that they were fighting to pay for the bill.

Our American guests were astonished until I explained this seemingly explosive situation to them. When Chinese friends get together for meals, each will try to pay for the bill as a sign of generosity. In fact, it is considered impolite not to offer to pay. People who consistently do not pay for meals are seen as misers. In Chinese, they are described by the pejorative tie gongji or "iron rooster" which indicates a bird which won't even pluck out one feather to pay for things. The better the friendship, the more vigorous the fight is over the bill.

"But why don't they just go 'Dutch' and pay individually?" our friend asked. "Because," I commented, "to most Chinese, sharing the bill is very impersonal. Going 'Dutch' suggests that 'you don't owe me anything and I don't owe you anything.'" Although you might go "Dutch" when going out for lunch with colleagues, that is not what friends do in China. The social norm is to take turns and invite each other for meals. In addition, when reciprocating a dinner invitation, you would always make sure to pick restaurants of the same or higher caliber than the ones you had shared when it was their turn. This way, you make sure that your friends don't feel that you took advantage of them.

Pay For Dinner to Show That You Will Be a Good Provider

Despite living in the United States for more than two decades, my parents remain quite traditional when it comes to Chinese customs and values. This was especially true when it came to my choice of a husband. My parents automatically measured all my boy friends according to the Chinese yardstick for sons-in-law.

Unbeknownst to me, one of the first "tests" for a future son-in-law is to see whether he volunteers to pay for dinner the first time he meets the girl's family. Accordingly, on Bryan's first visit to my parents' home in Pittsburgh, my father took us all to a nice Chinese restaurant. After the desserts were served, my father expected Bryan to offer to pay. Unfortunately for Bryan, I was not aware of the Chinese dating protocols and did not alert him ahead of time to pay the bill. When the check arrived, Bryan did not reach for the bill; instead, he respectfully said thank you to my father for inviting him to dinner. My father paid the check, but became quite solemn and distant toward Bryan for the rest of the visit.

When Bryan left, my parents told me in no uncertain terms that he was not right for me. They said that a man who would not offer to pay for dinner will not provide well for his wife in marriage. In short, they thought he was a cheapskate.

When I told Bryan my parents' comment, he was stunned. He thought he was being polite by not offering to pay. In American culture, Bryan explained, if the boyfriend of' the daughter tried to pay for a meal with her parents, it would be an insult to the father. It would imply that the father couldn't afford to take his family out. He was surprised to find that the opposite is true in Chinese custom.

A few years later, after we were married, we went out to a restaurant with my parents again. Having learned his lesson the hard way, Bryan was determined to pay for all future meals with my parents. When the cheek came, he quickly reached out to grab it. He thought that this would show my parents how good a son-in-law he had become.

This time, however, my father told him that he was not allowed to pay. Now that Bryan had married me, my father explained to him, he had become a son to my parents. Being the most senior male at a family meal, my father would pay for the bill. If Bryan insisted upon paying, it would be a challenge to my father's position in the family.

Bryan handed over the cheek and sighed, "Why do the Chinese have such an opposite way of doing things from the Americans? In America, once a man is married, he becomes the head of his family and enjoys a status equal to his father-in-law's. It is therefore completely fine for him to pay for a family meal. But in Chinese culture, the son-in-law is expected to pay before but not after marriage! "

(selected from 101 Stories for Foreigners to Understand Chinese People by Yi S. Ellis and Bryan D. Ellis, published by China Intercontinental Press in 2012)