Women in Shanghai are known for their dominant role in the family. The stereotype (and usually the reality) is that they control the finances at home, make the family decisions, and often even delegate housework to their husbands.

Our nanny is certainly one of these strong Shanghai women. She is in her early fifties, retired from factory work, but still makes a good living as a nanny/ housekeeper. Although she does all the chores in her own house, she also calls all the shots: from investing in the stock market to making decisions on a daily basis. She excels in her work at our house as well; even on her first day of work with us, she didn't need me to tell her what to do. Before I even opened my mouth to list all the household chores, she preempted me by saying, "I have done house work all my life. I know exactly what to do. Don't you worry. I will take care of everything." And with that, we started a beautiful relationship. I provide her with all the necessary supplies, from food ingredients to cleaning products, and she does her magic. I just need to stay out of her way!

Although dominant, the more traditional type of Shanghai women is at the same time chauvinistic. When it comes to decision-making power, they keep it to themselves. But when it comes to material comforts, they put their husbands and their sons first. This is certainly the case with our nanny at home. She respects my decisions regarding all household affairs, but prioritizes Bryan's preferences when she cooks. In fact, she cooks up a storm if Bryan comes home for dinner, but if it is only her and me eating at home (the kids have separately prepared meals), then she often says, "Come on, it's only us women. We can just get by with some rice and pickles."

However, it does not mean that Bryan gets everything he wants from our nanny. Whenever I am not around, our nanny would ask Bryan directly what he wants for dinner. When he picks something, say "duck", she would disagree: "We just had that yesterday, so no, not that." He then says "sweet and sour pork." She says, "No, you said you want to lose weight. Sweet and sour pork is deep-fat-fried. You can't have it. You should eat fish. I am going to cook fish then." She speaks and walks very quickly. Even before Bryan could digest the information in Chinese and respond, she was already gone. So, Bryan would usually shake his head and sigh, "Why does she bother to ask me then? She always does what she wants anyway!"

We affectionately call her our strong-headed ayi. But really, she is just acting like any other Shanghai women: making the decisions!

(selected from 101 Stories for Foreigners to Understand Chinese People by Yi S. Ellis and Bryan D. Ellis, published by China Intercontinental Press in 2012)