When Bryan's parents came to China for visits, the four of us would often take walks around our neighborhood after dinner. Our Chinese neighbors would often comment on how romantic Western people are, because even though they are already in their sixties, my in-laws still hold each other's hands when they walk.

In China, you would rarely see couples over forty years old hold hands when they walk together. In fact, most couples stop holding hands after they are married, especially after having children. When the child is small, one parent would be holding the child. When the child can walk, he or she would walk in the middle of the parents. When the child reaches teenage years, a boy would walk close to the mother and a girl would hold hands with the mother, but both would walk behind the father.

Among older couples, you will almost always see the wife walking a few steps behind the husband. Perhaps they will walk side by side if they are engaged in a conversation, but as soon as the conversation stops, they will automatically revert to a staggered formation. When they go out with other couples, the men will walk together and the women will walk arm in arm behind the men.

One Chinese friend observed that if you see a Chinese woman walking slightly behind a Chinese man, then you can be sure that they are husband and wife. But if you see a couple over forty years old holding hands, then you know they are either lovers having an extra-marital affair or they are dating. Our friend stressed that it is not "normal" for older and married Chinese couples to display their affection publicly.

Similarly, our friend pointed out to us that older Chinese couples do not go on "dates." While they would go to restaurants to enjoy a meal together, you would not see them in a more romantic place such as a coffee shop or a bar. Anniversaries are almost never celebrated unless it is the 40th or the 50th. And those special occasions are typically entire family or even community affairs, not a celebration just between two people. I remember when my grandparents reached their 50th anniversary, the local community officials invited them to a party for all the couples in the neighborhood celebrating their golden anniversaries. The community center even hired makeup artists, rented wedding gowns and tuxedos, and took professional portraits of all the couples. Rather than a romantic dinner for two, it was a huge community celebration.

Now that we have two children, Bryan and I have much less time to go out on our own. But we still make time for our weekly dates. On our date nights, Bryan sometimes likes to wrap his arm around me. I would often feel self-conscious when he did that. After all, we are now an "old and married" couple according to Chinese tradition. So, we compromise; we just hold hands. Immediately, we are mistaken for boyfriend and girlfriend. Chinese people are always surprised to find that we have been married for nearly nine years and already have two children!

(selected from 101 Stories for Foreigners to Understand Chinese People by Yi S. Ellis and Bryan D. Ellis, published by China Intercontinental Press in 2012)